From a Christian in Therapy

I hear about it all the time. "Therapy isn't the answer;" "Find a Christian counselor;" "Read the Bible;" "Have you prayed about it?"

I'm sorry, but please shut up. I'm a Christian, and I pray and read the Bible and listen to worship music. But that doesn't get at the underlying issues. I wholeheartedly believe that God wants us to find the root of our issues and learn how to heal from and overcome our life difficulties, which is the purpose of therapy.

Don't tell me that the answer isn't in therapy, because it is for many of us. When I meet with my therapist, I learn about myself. I learn why I have the insecurities that I have, why I shut down or dissociate when I feel like I have no voice, and how to better work through future stressors.

Therapy improves my relationships, including my relationship with God. I wouldn't know how to pray for myself if I didn't know whatis really going on with me. It allows me to pray for specifics. It has also made my relationship with my fiancé better because I am learning how to tell him what's going on with me, to help him understand what I'm feeling, to have patience when we disagree, and to work on our communication as a whole. It has taught me to open up more, to let friends in, and even to ask for help when I need it.

I have Bipolar type 2, PTSD, and an eating disorder.

Believe it or not, I can't just read a couple chapters in the Bible and suddenly be healed. Sure I can listen to worship music for a couple hours to help me feel less stressed about an exam or help me calm down when I'm worried about an upcoming event. But it won't heal all the pain I have and make all the abuse and neglect I sufered through as a child and adolescent just vanish from my memory.

When your friend is diagnsed with cancer, would you tell them that chemo isn't the answer, that they should talk to a pastor instead of an oncologist?

NO.

You would most likely pray for them, but you would also agree that the doctors know how to treat the disease.

So why do we treat mental illness as something other than what it actually is, a DISEASE? Is it because people just don't understand, or because they think it's a choice, or because they don't know how to respond, or do they believe that it's always and only a spiritual thing?

Sometimes, there could be a spiritual element to it, but when praying all day doesn't make it go away, it means that there's a physical element to it.

And let me make one thing very clear: It is NEVER a choice. It was not my choice to have a mother who is controlling, physically and verbally abusive, and just plain angry. It was not my choice to have a father who avoided our family as much as possible, choosing work over us. It was not my choice as a child, to learn that the only way to cope was to disguise my sadness as anger, and dissociate when it all became too overwhelming. It is not my choice to be haunted by memories of my past. It is not my choice to have depression and mania, or to see food as aversive, despite the fact that I know that I need to eat.

Each day, I get a little better. I have to fight, and it's not easy when it feels like the rest of the world thinks it's a made up battle. It's not easy when the battle is within, where you can never escape from. I am sick, no matter how you look at it. I have flashbacks most weeks, feel on edge as I walk down the street, and cry some days because I don't know what else to do. Some weeks, I have to fight just to get out of bed, and even more so to stay out of bed until night. I have to force myself, against my will, to go to class. Sometimes, I even struggle to shower or brush my teeth. The thing that has helped me be able to do these things when I don't think I can? Therapy. I have grown leaps and bounds in my ability to cope with life, thanks to therapy. I work very hard, with the help of one other person, to gain insight, build new connections, and grow. That's what it means to be in therapy, to grow.

If you don't know how to respond, ask people with mental disorders what they would like from you, or how you can help. Don't give advice if they don't ask for it. Ask them if they're ready to get help, and then ask them what kind of help they believe they need. Some people may want to talk to a Christian counselor, some may want to get medication from a psychiatrist, and others may want to see a therapist. Whatever they believe they need is okay because they know best what they need. I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a Christian counselor, but what needs to be understood is that it isn't for everyone who's Christian.

Life of a Broken Girl

I need to be honest with myself. I'm not okay.
I try to be, but I just can't. I'm broken. I fall apart day in and day out.
I have been taught to trust no one, unless they prove to me that they can be trusted. And it's easy to break my trust. People complain to my boyfriend that I do not open up to them. They think I shut them out, that I don't want to let them in. But that couldn't be further from the truth.
I want to let you in, but I don't know how.
My mother broke promise after promise. My sister loves me, but at times, can be passive-aggressive. My mentor when I was in high school doesn't even talk to me anymore; she has moved on and doesn't even make an effort to see me when I tell her that I'm home during school breaks. My best friends from high school are no longer interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with me, yet just 2 years ago I was certain they would be my bridesmaids. My boyfriend (yes even him) sometimes speaks without thinking and tells his best friend something we had discussed that he knew was not for anyone else's ears.

There are those who I know love me, but sometimes make mistakes. There are also those who I'm not sure ever cared about me. Sometimes I know who's who, and sometimes I can't tell heads from tales, especially early on. I know my boyfriend loves me and he tries very hard to earn my trust. But those people from high school...well, I don't know if they ever really cared.

It's a long road to recovery. Learning to trust again is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

When someone has trust issues, they don't know how to be the one who reaches out. They hurt too much to risk rejection. Rejection doesn't have to be a flat out dismissal; it could be something as simple as canceling plans early in your relationship with no clear intent of making new plans, or not including them in a group gathering. For me, it can be a simple declaration from an individual that they don't think I have any interest in opening up to them, especially when I hear it from someone else. It may not seem like it to the rest of the world, but to me, that's a rejection, and it can shut me down in an instant. Instead, you should go to the person directly and tell them that you would like to spend more time with them and get to know them better. You should invite them to study with you, go grocery shopping with you, spend a day at the beach together, or ask to have lunch together.

Take the time to get to know me. I want to know you, but I no longer have it in me to take the first step. I hide because I am afraid. I put up walls so that I can't be hurt. But in truth, I am hurting every time I don't talk. I'm hurting every time I shut down. I hurt every time you talk to others about me. I hurt.
Just love me. All I want is to be loved and accepted. I want to feel like I belong, and not because you're friends with my boyfriend or a friend of a friend. I want to feel like you are interested in a relationship with me because of me. I want to be whole again.

About a year ago now, I began my journey towards really healing, but I still have a long ways to go. I joined a sorority, a Christian sorority. Those of you who have been a part of the Greek system, you know that it's set up to force you to interact with others and ultimately to build (hopefully) lifelong friendships. For me, this was perfect. As a pledge, it was up to the actives to reach out to me, to build a supportive community around me. It prepared me to begin putting myself out there again, and when the next pledge class came around, I was ready to be vulnerable with them. But I still struggle to be vulnerable in other communities. Take the first step, open up to someone who seems very closed. They will trust you more if they know you won't judge them, and that you have made mistakes in much the same way as they had.

Through it all, I am still learning to pray, to seek healing and courage. I am yearning for the Lord's touch, for Him to help me trust again, for HIm to find safety in friendships.
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

HE WILL RENEW MY STRENGTH!!!

You are a Beautiful Life

So I'm in this women's studies class, and I really just cannot stand it. The whole class is about feminism, and I knew I wasn't a feminist before the class, but wow! I really couldn't believe just how incredibly unBiblical the whole feminist belief is. Actually, there are aspects that are absolutely Biblical causes, but they are taken in a completely God-less, nonscriptural manner.

The feminist thought is that women are all beautiful in their natural state, no make-up, no bra, etc. Also, feminism says that sexism has put these restraints on women, that sexism is to blame for the low self-esteem women have and the unrealistic expectations for their body to look a certain way. They say that women need to band together in sisterhood to overcome these sexist thoughts.

But that's not the case. Sexism is not the problem. Sin is the problem. Every girl wants to look like someone else because they don't feel beautiful enough. But this wasn't created by sexism. It was created by pride, by lust, by discontentment. Women should feel beautiful just the way they are. But that should not be decided by other women. Yes women should build each other up instead of tearing each other down, but that should not be the basis for self-worth.

We were made in God's image! He made us to be beautiful!

Did you know that everyone is beautiful just the way they are? Or that the only times the word "ugly" is used in the Bible is to describe the seven skinny cows in Pharaoh's dream?

And when God made man and woman, He said that it was good! He made us in His image, and He was very pleased with it. God does not create rubbish. He only creates the finest jewels.

Our identity should be found in Him, and in Him alone. He created you to be the very best you, and no one else could possibly be a more beautiful you. He made you to look just the way you do, and there is nothing wrong with you.

You are worthy of the love of a good man, a man who deserves a jewel like you. No matter what anyone has told you, your body is perfect. You are beautiful inside and out. You do not need to change for anyone because if they don't love you where you're at or they choose to tear you down instead of building you up, then they don't belong in your life.

Find people who want to build you up and want you to love yourself as much as they love you. Be healed in God's love, and let others love you. You are worthy.

You do not need to take up anorexia or bulimia. You do not need to weigh less than you do. You are not fat. You are beautiful in the Father's eyes, and there will be men who find you attractive just as you are, and other girls who would love to look like you. Beauty is inside of you. All you have to do is believe that it's there, and trust that God (you know, the creator of the whole universe) knew what He was doing when he designed every detail of who you are, from the way you laugh, to your thighs, your stomache, your emotions, and your ability to learn to love yourself.

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Life, sometimes it comes with regrets

We all have regrets, whether we wish we hadn't done something or we feel that we missed out on something. And we have all been told that it isn't good to dwell on those regrets. But we do it anyways. Maybe not all the time, but we do dwell on our regrets at least short periods of time. And sometimes those regrets overcome us.

Is it possible, that it's actually good to dwell sometimes? I think so. It's good to look back and reflect, to think about what we would change if we could. If I could change anything I would go back to my freshman year of high school, work my butt off to be the best athlete I could be, and instead of just playing volleyball, I would have played softball too. I would've still been home schooled, but I would have continued to play sports at my original high school, and probably would have found a way to afford to play club volleyball in the off seasons. And just maybe, I would have gone straight to a university instead of spending two years at a community college. That's really my biggest regret. I feel like I missed out on something by not living on campus my freshman year, meeting a bunch of people. And yes, I could still live in dorms next year, but why would I want to do that as a junior?

But in all honesty, there are certain things in my life now that I would never trade for these experiences I missed out on. I would never in a million years trade meeting the man I'm going to marry for my athletic career. And honestly, that's all. I would probably give up everything else, good or bad, that has taken place because of the decisions I've made.

No, I'm not throwing a pity party. I am simply deciding not to ignore the fact that life follows choice. I chose not to play volleyball anymore, to not apply to any colleges because I thought college wasn't for me, to give up on dreams and on myself. I am recognizing that I caused my life to go the way it has. No, I don't hate my life. I may greatly dislike certain things about it, but there are other things that I love even more.

I love my boyfriend, and I really liked being a nanny, and I'm now attending one of the top psychology programs in America. I have good friends, and go to a church I really like, and I'll be getting married in about 1 year.

It's okay to dwell on our regrets, as long as we also meditate on the blessings we are thankful for. Sometimes we have to look at the crap first in order to fix our vision God. We have to learn to appreciate everything that he has given us because in the blink of an eye it could all be gone. It's good to remember where we started, and all the progress we have made since. It's essential to know where we have failed, and where we have succeeded. God has great plans for us, and sometimes, that's easier to understand when we look back and see all the things that have turned out for the better. He makes all things work together for our good (Romans 8:28).

Do I wish the last 3 or 4 years of my life had gone a little differently? Sure. But I would never trade it for where my life is heading.

Living with or without Love?

For what do we know of love? Do we know its depths or its reasons? Do we know how it is that it lives inside of us? Why is it that love is so central to who we are as human beings?

Did you know that the Bible tells us that God is love? And that we could give all glory to God and sacrifice everything and still it mean nothing if not done out of love?

And what is the motive that drives each of us in our daily lives? Is it self-worth or pride? Is it actually love?

The answer should be love, but it seems that our own desires for self  tend to take over what should be. We offer ourselves, but in return we expect others to do the same. We let a friend barrow our car or stay at our house for a night or two, expecting that they would thank us abundantly, or tell others about how amazing we are for doing this, or extend the same offers when we are in need. It is quite rare for most people that such an act is truly selfless, even if we may think that we are selfless in doing what we do.

We live in a fairly loveless society. Flowers sent to her work may be a loving gesture in and of itself, but the motive behind this could very well be self-seeking.

I love my boyfriend dearly, but I often find myself loving me over him. Often times, I may find myself in a situation where I could be upset with him or simply let it go or talk it over calmly without any accusations. Sometimes I will choose a mature, loving way to react to something, but much more often I find myself choosing to follow the choice that seems easiest at the moment. I get upset, raise my voice, give the evil eye, ignore, and eventually cry because I am so frustrated by the argument that has occured.

Did you know that hate is not the opposite of love, but rather the absence of love? From this understanding we can see that in the times we don't choose love we are choosing hate. How awful is that? When I decide to be selfish in my relationships I am hating others. I am acting in hate on these occasions. But why? I'm honestly no more worthy that those around me. If truly acting in love, I would put others ahead of myself.

Philippians 2:3 "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself."

1 Corinthians 13:5b "[Love] does not seek its own"

Life as a Prisoner of Judgment

I'm sure most people would think that I am one of the most confident people they know; I mean, that's how I act a lot of the time. But I'll let you in on a secret: it's not entirely true. In fact, it's not really true at all. I actually care a great deal about what others think. And what's more, I don't trust people. I fear that most people will betray me or at the very least, simply stop caring about me at one point or another.

The biggest part of my secret? Even as a born again Christian, I can hardly walk into a church or really any church function without feeling like I am being judged by half the people there. I, like some friends of mine, have been scarred by the church many of us grew up in and others went to during their high school/college years. It has been almost 2 years since I have left that place, and since have only let one other person in, the man who is my boyfriend. Over the past several months he has been encouraging me to open up to others, and to start hanging out with girls more, and opening up to them. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do so.

DISCLAIMER: NOT all churches are like this. I am only speaking of my experience in one place. I have gathered with other members of the body of Christ where these things are not the norm.

Now I don't blame the church entirely for this; I know that as someone who is naturally more on the judgmental side of things (as most of the female population) I am more inclined to feeling judged. But it also cannot be denied that much of my experience in the church has taught me to be afraid of other Christians. I was told that I had to act a certain way if I wanted to be in ministry, so I did what I was told. I saw my friends pulled out of ministry because leadership in our church found out about their immorality. Now am I excusing immorality of church leaders? No. I am simply saying that no one is perfect, and if imperfection is cause for being removed from ministry, then no one belongs in ministry.

And I've never seen rumors spread like they did through this group of people. My brother changes my Facebook relationship status to "it's complicated", and suddenly half the congregation thought me and one specific guy are dating. I posted a status when I was having a bad day, and next thing you know, the head pastor decided he need to meet with me and a couple other people. Someone else, a leader in the church, who knew more about the situation stood in and explained to the pastor that it was all a big misunderstanding. Besides, it really wasn't any of his business to begin with.

And when a group of 4 or 5 girls had plans to spend the night at a church member's house-all with parental permission-such things were banned. We were suddenly not allowed to go to other people's houses without it being a church sanctioned event with official youth leadership in attendance. But why? There was nothing immoral or wrong happening. Once again, it was none of the pastor's business.

And the thing that may have scarred me the most...My personal boundaries being disregarded and invaded. There were certain things I wasn't comfortable talking about, but one youth leader pushed and pushed and simply wouldn't accept that I didn't want to talk about personal things with them. And eventually, they started telling me off...told me that I was a bad Christian, which made them stumble, said that I treated them like a piece of $#!? (and yes, they did actually say that word), told me that I hated them, and when they told me to say something, to tell them why I seemed to hate them so much, all I said was that I didn't like "this," referring to being spoken to this way, which had happened on multiple occasions in the past, they yelled at me for calling them weak, sarcastically apologized for their weakness and told me that God still uses weak people, then they just walked away. Then my two friends who had just watched the whole thing go down came over to me and went outside with me, then, for the first and ONLY time, I cried at church, full on bawling.

All that said, I refuse to let this push me away from Christ. Though no Christian is perfect, the God we worship is, and though people may hurt me, I know that my God never will.

And after finally seeing Disney's Frozen tonight, I have been inspired to confront my demons. I have forgiven much of what I went through in that community, but I haven't "let it go."

Tonight though, I am letting it all go. I am admitting that I have been hurt. I am going to allow myself to trust others again, to open myself up to people once more. To anyone who may have been offended by my hesitance to share anything about myself, I am sorry for shutting down. It may be baby steps from here, but I am determined not to shut people out anymore. I am ready to be healed through God's power and grace. I am ready to love better, and to let myself be loved by more people. Like Elsa, I have had a storm swirling inside of me. But now, also like Elsa, I am tearing down my walls. I have shut almost everyone out of my heart, locked myself away in my very own kingdom of isolation. "The fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all." I will choose love, I will choose to feel, and I will choose to once again truly live in community, not simply to be in a community.

Proverbs 10:12b "Love covers all sins."
2 Tim 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

A Lifelong Relationship: Marriage

How many things are really for life?
Hobbies? nah they get old
Sports? well one injury can end that
Careers? a lot of people switch those once or twice, and they eventually retire

Even friendships don't always last your whole life through. For one reason or another they come to an end, whether it's an abrupt ruin that results from a fight, or you simply lose contact over time. But you will spend the rest of your life missing that person, maybe not a lot and maybe not often, but every now and then you will find yourself wondering what happened to that person, or perhaps wonder if they ever think about you.

There is one thing that is supposed to be lifelong.
                       MARRIAGE.
People often go into this with "good intentions" but when things start to really get difficult they decide to give up, that it isn't worth fighting for. Really? Is all the love and sacrifice and effort you put into your relationship really something that you're ok with throwing away?
Because I am not. I never will be.
Sadly, though, it is more likely that someone will fight for a promotion at work, or for a coupon to be accepted past its expiration date, than that they would fight for their marriage.

What are you fighting for? Are you fighting to be right? to have your way? to make yourself happy? Or are you fighting for the most valuable relationship in your life? to make sure that your spouse knows they are the love of your life? to make your spouse happy?

You need to let go of your selfishness, learn to be selfless. You have to look beyond your own nose at some point. You can't keep holding onto your own ego, and look at the pain and hurt in the other person. When you're in a relationship it shouldn't be for yourself, but for the other person. your job is to make them happy and to look out for them above your own interests.