Life with Complex PTSD

I don't hide my illnesses from the people in my life. Most people who know me know about at least one of my mental disorders. I use my own mental health issues as a platform for reducing stigma by living with it in plain view, sharing about it, and helping others to understand what mental illness is really like.

So here's a story of who I am. This time around, I'll tell you about my complex PTSD (CPTSD). I'll tell you about how I cope and when I have failed to cope well. I'll tell you about what goes on in my head at times and the terror that can overcome me without even a moment's notice.

Most days, I can get through with little or even no impairing symptoms. Part of that is due to medication and part of it is due to the skills I have learned.

I take time almost every day to thank God for the blessings in my life because I know that research has shown that practicing gratitude improves overall mood and reduces negative feelings (such as anxiety). When I begin to feel like anxiety is trying to overpower me, I use deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation is a technique in which you tense up one part of your body, such as your left shoulder, letting yourself really feel all the tension your body holds in just that one place, then slowly release the tension; you can repeat this in different parts of your body, as many times as you need. Recently, I have begun asking someone nearby to feel my pulse and tell me if it feels normal because I find myself feeling like it's racing and like I can't breathe, so I reach out for help. I ask a friend to get coffee or lunch bc I need to talk. I facetime friends to distract me from my own brain.

I also often cope in ways that aren't so great. In moments of sudden anxiety, I will often dig my nails (which I usually keep very long) into my skin, usually the inside of my hands but also sometimes in my arms, legs, back, or stomach. I may even carve deep scratches if the anxiety is bad enough and I am just floundering. I will also shut down emotionally, not allowing myself to care about things going on around me or tasks I am currently completing because all I can handle giving my focus to is the anxiety. It can even become so overwhelming that I dissociate, which for me means either losing my sense of self or my sense of realness. I can feel unreal, almost like someone else is controlling my body but I'm still there and I know what is happening. I can also feel like I'm in a dream, like what's happening around me is not totally real. Occasionally, I even find myself losing time, albeit only a few minutes.

But you see, I can go months without a single flashback or any re-experiencing symptoms. I can live in the present. But it never lasts. It can’t last. When life starts to get tough, my brain joins in. Every time I try to sleep, here they come. When I’m cooking dinner and something burns, here they come. When I go to church on a Sunday morning, sitting around familiar faces that only know half of me, here they come. At work, trying to help a customer who's behaving angrily towards me or even just towards the person with them or on the other end of the phone...you guessed it, here come the flashbacks. There's more to say about having this disorder than I can say in just this one blog post, so I will probably write on this again in one of my soon-coming posts.

Mental disorders is my reality. I've accepted it, even though there are days I hate it. But I'm glad I know what I know. I'm glad I can use my own experiences to help others. I hope my blog helps you. I hope you feel a little less alone knowing I'm struggling too. We're stronger together, so please join me in this journey. Please subscribe and share my blog if you feel like it benefits you. Thanks y'all!