For the Unmarried Season of Life

Are you dating someone that you  hope to one day marry? Are you having a hard time knowing how to honor God and your future spouse? Trust me, you're not alone. I can assure you that nearly every Christian couple has done something they're ashamed of while dating, but some are better at hiding it than others. Of course, some are also better at setting and following boundaries- like deciding to never be alone together. 

At this point in my life, I have a lot of friends who are meeting their future spouse and dating, who are engaged, and who are married. As for me, I just got married about six months ago, and around the same time, one of my best friends started dating her boyfriend and another close friend got engaged. I think we're all very happy with where we are personally, as well as happy for each other. I wanted for so long for my best friend to be in a relationship, but eventually I came to terms with us being in different seasons of life.

For two years, she listened to the ups and downs of my relationship, learned what big decisions we had to make along our journy, and supported our relationship. I also had several sorority sisters who were there during this time, who listened as I talked about my struggles being in a relationahip. Some girls understood more than others because of their own experiences, and none of them ever judged me.

Before I was in a serious relationship, everything seemed so cut and dry. Sexual intimacy was just off the table. It sounded easy enough- no closed doors, no spending the night together, no going past first. I even went as far as to declare I wouldn't have my first kiss until my wedding day. (Can you tell I was swimming in the Christian Kool-Aid?)

But then you start dating someone, and you fall in love, and the temptation gets worse and worse. At first, we kept the bedroom door open, but then it would be closed so I could focus on studying...and then it would be locked so no one could walk in on us. It didn't take but a few months before I was spending every night in my then-boyfriend's bed. It became an addiction.

We met with an older couple in our church every so often for counseling, and they basically just told us to stop. (Because, you know, it's that easy.) All that did for me was grow the shame. I was afraid of anyone finding out. I was scared that I would be judged, that I would be the girl everyone wanted to throw stones at if they ever found out. It wasn't until I found my sorority that I finally felt safe enough to be honest. Who would believe that a Christian sorority would be the safest, most accepting place for me to be a sinner? Girls loved and supported me through it. I wasn't the only one who had pushed the boundaries of what's okay before marriage

Girls didn't tell each other that what they were doing was okay, but we made sure that everyone knew their shortcomings didn't define how we saw each other. We supported each other, offered accountability and offered whatever type of help we could offer.

As someone who is now married, I can tell you that it's not worth it. Wait. Wait until your wedding night. Wait until God's timing. I listen to my friends who are still dating and who are engaged, telling me what they have decided to compromise on. They tell me they have no conviction on certain things, and therefore they think it's fine. It makes them feel nice. I get it, really, but not having a conviction is not the same as something being right. That's like saying that apologizing for hurting someone is the same as having never hurt them. It's not. An apology allows you to work things out, but it doesn't erase the past or the pain that was felt. Now that I'm married, I wish I wouldn't have done anything. I really do wish I had waited until my wedding to kiss my husband. I wish we had waited until our wedding night to have sex.

Let the passion build. Think of it as a savings account. Every time you want spend the night together, make out, have sex (any type of sex), stop, take a deep breath, and hold that desire in your heart. Don't take any of the joy away from your marriage. I'm finding, more and more, that passion is essential to marriage. You may think that you need a certain amount of physical intimacy in a relationship, but you don't really. I know people that did actually wait until their wedding day to have their first kiss. I really think that that has to have made for a great start to married life.

I know it's not easy to stop in the moment. It feels soo good. But in 10 minutes, it won't. Find someone who will keep you accountable. Don't just tell people who will make you feel like it's okay. When I was engaged, I started having sex and there was really only one girl in the sorority I would talk to about it because she would tell me it was okay, since I was almost married anyways. I didn't tell my best friend because I didn't want her to tell me I needed to stop...because I knew that the thing I was doing wasn't the thing God wanted me to do.

I started out my marriage feeling distant from God. Neither my husband nor I have made it a habit to read the Bible, pray, or worship. We tried to when we started dating, and we've tried a couple times since getting married, but it's never stuck. Don't make our same mistake. make sure your relationship with God is always more important than your relationship with your significant other. If you do that, I'm sure you will have a much easier time avoiding temptation, and your marriage will be full of passion.