When we got married, my husband and I agreed to start a family about 2.5 years down the road. As that time approached, it was apparent that our lives weren't ready for parenthood. I was not even halfway through grad school and working almost full-time. He had just started a new job, which would have him working 40+ and commuting an hour each way. And we had moved halfway across the country less than a year earlier. So when my Nexplanon implant came out, I got an IUD (10/10 would NOT do again!). We made a new agreement: we'll start trying during my last year of grad school.
Fast forward a year and a half, now a couple months past our 4th anniversary. My Godsend OB-GYN gave me two words of advice: start taking a prenatal and "have fun." So I did. At first. Then I started to wonder why it wasn't happening. Then I started to worry and fear. I went to see her for something seemingly separate a few months later. She was proactive. I didn't have to bring up my desire to conceive or my concern that it wasn't happening because she did. She ordered bloodwork, and later other tests.
Mind you, I knew I had PCOS. I had never been given a formal diagnosis, but I knew. I'd had many ovarian cysts - large ones. I had gotten blood tests showing elevated testosterone. Being on birth control all those years didn't help. The pain was always there, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. In this round of tests, she finally gave me a formal diagnosis.
These were just the beginning days of this painful struggle. I would soon come to know insurmountable grief, a type of pain I never believed would be mine. I had been through so much in my life already. How could another trauma come my way?!? I've cried countless tears, yelled at God, even questioned his plan for my life, tried to believe this isn't really what my life is, and felt utterly hopeless. I've also accepted this as my current season and circled back around through the other stages more than once.
I can go days or sometimes weeks (maybe?) without crying about it, without dwelling on it. But when those days come where I break down, tears are relentless. I die inside. A little part of me breaks off.
Let's see if I can illustrate this for you. Imagine loving someone so much it hurts. You would do anything to make them happy, to keep them safe, to give them everything they have ever wanted. You want to show up for them in any and every way they need. You picture hugging them, teaching them about the world. You can almost hear their little voice singing "Jesus loves me, this I know..." and you're so proud that they are falling in love with their Creator. You begin to feel yourself smile, falling more and more in love with everything about them. But then you remember that this little human doesn't exist. The most perfect little human you could have possibly imagined doesn't exist. And you begin to feel your countenance fall, as you brow furrows, and your lips press tight against each other. And then the tears pour out. There's no stopping them. They torrent down your face, spilling onto your shirt. You are losing all hope at being able to ever meet this person your heart loves, and you wonder, "How could I miss some this much, if we've never even met?"
I've had many days like that. Those are the loneliest of days. Those are the days I just want to crawl into a ball and evaporate, feeling as though I have no sense of who I am meant to be. Those are the days when I am in the furthest, darkest corner of the pit of despair. The days when all hope seems lost and I don't even know how to seek God. The days where I think everything I ever thought I knew is rubbish. The days I just can't function. These are the days when there are only one set of footprints in the sand because I can't walk. I usually can't see it when I'm in the midst of it, but He's there. He picks me up when I fall or when I throw myself down in a tantrum. He knows my heart and He knows my needs. He knows me better than I know me.
A part of me thinks I should have known this would be my fate. Things always seem to go wrong for me after all. But that's when I'm catastrophizing. I have to remind myself all the time that I serve a faithful God who never ever gives up on me, even when I give up on Him. That something I find myself doing a lot these days. Just a few days ago, I found myself saying to myself, "Oh well. I guess I'm just not meant to be a mom. This is me giving up trying." And I meant this. I was just done.
The problem is that that attitude wasn't surrender. I wasn't giving things up to God. I was telling God to just not bother. It was definitely one of my lower points. Now, I'm not going to tell you I'm good at this point. I'm certainly not. I struggle to want to read the Bible and find His truth. I struggle to believe that He is there for me or that He will heal my body or that He wants to give me good gifts or the desires of my heart. I get angry and find myself resenting Him for not giving me exactly what I want, exactly when I want it.
Today, I'm feeling optimistic. Today, my faith feels strong. But I don't know what tomorrow looks like. I may feel much the same or I may find myself out of hope.
Look these up. See if they bring you the hope you need. They won't cure you, but they can help. Knowing the truth brings light to our darkest places.
Hebrew 6:9-12 9 Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are convinced of better things in your case—the things that have to do with salvation. 10 God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11 We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. 12 We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
1 John 1:5 This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.
Exodus 34:6 The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh![b] The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
Psalm 145:17 The Lord is righteous in all His ways, Gracious in all His works.
Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 37:3-11 (particularly verse 4) Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.
9 For evildoers shall be [b]cut off;
But those who wait on the Lord,
They shall inherit the earth.
10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more.
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth,
And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
Psalm 39:7 “And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You.
Psalm 71:5 For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth.
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