Dear Becs,
You hurt me. You took control and made me bleed. Why couldn't you love me? Your emotions have always been treated as more important than my physical sensations. It's not fair. Do you hate me? Why else would you starve me?
The cutting stings; I abhor it. Your mom used to hurt me. It feels much the same. So please cease. Let me hug you when you want to cut. Instead of starving me, tell me that I'm pretty, that you love me, and how you want to be there for me. I need to feel accepted and even cherished. Not by others, but by you.
You don't take care of me and I started to wonder if you deserve me. I have fought for you. I have held you together. I am a firm wall on which you can rely to hold you steady, even against the toughest of currents life brings forth. Why do you not see it? Why do you not see that I remain firm in every storm? That I never burn, no matter how hot the fire? Even on the brink of death, I BRING YOU BACK.
No matter what comes, I am always here for you.
ALWAYS.
We have been at war with each other for far too long, my dear. It is high time that we love each other.
Even when you feel like you're disappearing, I stand strong. Even when you feel separate from me, I've gone nowhere. I neither can nor want to leave you. I am a God-given constant you can count on.
Let's be on each other's side. We can do so much more together. When you're on my side, taking care of me and keeping me healthy, I can do so much more for you. When you give me food, my hunger pains flee. Feed me well and I will have the energy to allow you to run. When you get me into physical therapy, my pain goes down. When you talk about your issues with food, your anxiety lessens and you take better care of me.
You are doing the work now. I see it. Thank you for the nutrients. Thank you for the fats. For the carbs. For the protein. Thank you for seeing me, for seeing my needs. Thank you for using heat and ice when I am in pain. Thank you for taking me to the doctor this week, for asking her to help you. Thank you for the exercise this week- taking me on hikes, and longboarding, and paddleboarding while you were on vacation. Thank you for making your trip about me just as much as you made it about your mind and creativity. Yes, your brain worked hard to get you through grad school, but so did I.
So let's celebrate me. Dance in your underwear. Buy me something to look cute in. Wear those high heels. Try a new style you haven't worn before. Take me on a date to your favorite places or to do your favorite things. Nourish me with healthy foods! But also give me yummy things simply for my enjoyment! (I deserve both.) Get me that massage that you've been putting off! Take me to that hot yoga class you often think about. Take all the naps! (We both deserve it!)
Let's both remember that God made me to house you! Your mind is your spirit experienced. I am your spirit's house and was even gifted the pleasure of also housing the spirit of God. So remember, I have value, but your value as a person is not dependent on how I look. So c'mon now, show me that love. Give me a little extra affection. I know you can do it. And I know you wanna do it.
With Immense, Deep, and Abiding Love
Your Body
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