Living Suicidal

When one word is resounding in your mind, but it contradicts everything else. It contradicts what you've been taught. It contradicts every other desire you may have. It even contradicts what society says. The word?

DEATH.

Sometimes, it's all you can think about. Sometimes, it seems to be all you want. But then you go online, see everyone  else having fun doing ridiculous stuff, and you think, "I wanna wear a costume," or "I haven't carved a pumpkin yet this year." You still work on things that determine a future, such as studying for an exam or writing a paper, or going to work and contributing to a meeting, or making plans to go out with friends. Even if you don't want to do these things, you do them. You work on making a future for yourself.

Why? Why do we do it?

Maybe, just maybe, there's still hope. Maybe we can still get through this, get past it, over it. Maybe living is worth it after all. But we almost never realize it. We study because we've always studied. We go to meetings because we've always gone to meetings. But somewhere, somewhere deep inside, there's a hope for a future, a hope for the better. When all hope seems gone, it's still there. It's within our psyche.

It hides itself because maybe, just maybe...we would snuff it out if we actually knew it was there. But what if we let it surface? What if we let hope in? Would we be okay? Would we truly know life?

I think yes. If we actually know hope, then we have a reason to stay alive. We have something to grasp onto. Whether it's something big or something small. A promotion, a good grade, that one dessert that just makes your tastebuds sparkle. (Yes, sparkle.) What used to get you out of bed in the morning? What made you happy or brought you energy?

I am a firm believer in looking to the past to find the future. What made you happy before can make you happy again. I know that that sounds like a hollow promise, but it truly isn't. Every mountain range has valleys. The pain does end. And you are learning SO much about yourself right now. The pain you're feeling is indeed a part of you, but it does NOT define you. You are also brave and loving and strong and wanted and giving and peaceful and cherished. You have everything you need within. We all do. All these things are why hope exists, even when we believe it is gone entirely.