I need to be honest with myself. I'm not okay.
I try to be, but I just can't. I'm broken. I fall apart day in and day out.
I have been taught to trust no one, unless they prove to me that they can be trusted. And it's easy to break my trust. People complain to my boyfriend that I do not open up to them. They think I shut them out, that I don't want to let them in. But that couldn't be further from the truth.
I want to let you in, but I don't know how.
My mother broke promise after promise. My sister loves me, but at times, can be passive-aggressive. My mentor when I was in high school doesn't even talk to me anymore; she has moved on and doesn't even make an effort to see me when I tell her that I'm home during school breaks. My best friends from high school are no longer interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with me, yet just 2 years ago I was certain they would be my bridesmaids. My boyfriend (yes even him) sometimes speaks without thinking and tells his best friend something we had discussed that he knew was not for anyone else's ears.
There are those who I know love me, but sometimes make mistakes. There are also those who I'm not sure ever cared about me. Sometimes I know who's who, and sometimes I can't tell heads from tales, especially early on. I know my boyfriend loves me and he tries very hard to earn my trust. But those people from high school...well, I don't know if they ever really cared.
It's a long road to recovery. Learning to trust again is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
When someone has trust issues, they don't know how to be the one who reaches out. They hurt too much to risk rejection. Rejection doesn't have to be a flat out dismissal; it could be something as simple as canceling plans early in your relationship with no clear intent of making new plans, or not including them in a group gathering. For me, it can be a simple declaration from an individual that they don't think I have any interest in opening up to them, especially when I hear it from someone else. It may not seem like it to the rest of the world, but to me, that's a rejection, and it can shut me down in an instant. Instead, you should go to the person directly and tell them that you would like to spend more time with them and get to know them better. You should invite them to study with you, go grocery shopping with you, spend a day at the beach together, or ask to have lunch together.
Take the time to get to know me. I want to know you, but I no longer have it in me to take the first step. I hide because I am afraid. I put up walls so that I can't be hurt. But in truth, I am hurting every time I don't talk. I'm hurting every time I shut down. I hurt every time you talk to others about me. I hurt.
Just love me. All I want is to be loved and accepted. I want to feel like I belong, and not because you're friends with my boyfriend or a friend of a friend. I want to feel like you are interested in a relationship with me because of me. I want to be whole again.
About a year ago now, I began my journey towards really healing, but I still have a long ways to go. I joined a sorority, a Christian sorority. Those of you who have been a part of the Greek system, you know that it's set up to force you to interact with others and ultimately to build (hopefully) lifelong friendships. For me, this was perfect. As a pledge, it was up to the actives to reach out to me, to build a supportive community around me. It prepared me to begin putting myself out there again, and when the next pledge class came around, I was ready to be vulnerable with them. But I still struggle to be vulnerable in other communities. Take the first step, open up to someone who seems very closed. They will trust you more if they know you won't judge them, and that you have made mistakes in much the same way as they had.
Through it all, I am still learning to pray, to seek healing and courage. I am yearning for the Lord's touch, for Him to help me trust again, for HIm to find safety in friendships.
Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
HE WILL RENEW MY STRENGTH!!!
