An Open Letter from My Body

Dear Becs, 

You hurt me. You took control and made me bleed. Why couldn't you love me? Your emotions have always been treated as more important than my physical sensations. It's not fair. Do you hate me? Why else would you starve me? 

The cutting stings; I abhor it. Your mom used to hurt me. It feels much the same. So please cease. Let me hug you when you want to cut. Instead of starving me, tell me that I'm pretty, that you love me, and how you want to be there for me. I need to feel accepted and even cherished. Not by others, but by you. 

You don't take care of me and I started to wonder if you deserve me. I have fought for you. I have held you together. I am a firm wall on which you can rely to hold you steady, even against the toughest of currents life brings forth. Why do you not see it? Why do you not see that I remain firm in every storm? That I never burn, no matter how hot the fire? Even on the brink of death, I BRING YOU BACK. 

No matter what comes, I am always here for you. 

                                                            ALWAYS.

We have been at war with each other for far too long, my dear. It is high time that we love each other. 

Even when you feel like you're disappearing, I stand strong. Even when you feel separate from me, I've gone nowhere. I neither can nor want to leave you. I am a God-given constant you can count on. 

Let's be on each other's side. We can do so much more together. When you're on my side, taking care of me and keeping me healthy, I can do so much more for you. When you give me food, my hunger pains flee. Feed me well and I will have the energy to allow you to run. When you get me into physical therapy, my pain goes down. When you talk about your issues with food, your anxiety lessens and you take better care of me. 

You are doing the work now. I see it. Thank you for the nutrients. Thank you for the fats. For the carbs. For the protein. Thank you for seeing me, for seeing my needs. Thank you for using heat and ice when I am in pain. Thank you for taking me to the doctor this week, for asking her to help you. Thank you for the exercise this week- taking me on hikes, and longboarding, and paddleboarding while you were on vacation. Thank you for making your trip about me just as much as you made it about your mind and creativity. Yes, your brain worked hard to get you through grad school, but so did I. 

So let's celebrate me. Dance in your underwear. Buy me something to look cute in. Wear those high heels. Try a new style you haven't worn before. Take me on a date to your favorite places or to do your favorite things. Nourish me with healthy foods! But also give me yummy things simply for my enjoyment! (I deserve both.) Get me that massage that you've been putting off! Take me to that hot yoga class you often think about. Take all the naps! (We both deserve it!) 

Let's both remember that God made me to house you! Your mind is your spirit experienced. I am your spirit's house and was even gifted the pleasure of also housing the spirit of God. So remember, I have value, but your value as a person is not dependent on how I look. So c'mon now, show me that love. Give me a little extra affection. I know you can do it. And I know you wanna do it. 

                    With Immense, Deep, and Abiding Love

                                Your Body

Living Suicidal

When one word is resounding in your mind, but it contradicts everything else. It contradicts what you've been taught. It contradicts every other desire you may have. It even contradicts what society says. The word?

DEATH.

Sometimes, it's all you can think about. Sometimes, it seems to be all you want. But then you go online, see everyone  else having fun doing ridiculous stuff, and you think, "I wanna wear a costume," or "I haven't carved a pumpkin yet this year." You still work on things that determine a future, such as studying for an exam or writing a paper, or going to work and contributing to a meeting, or making plans to go out with friends. Even if you don't want to do these things, you do them. You work on making a future for yourself.

Why? Why do we do it?

Maybe, just maybe, there's still hope. Maybe we can still get through this, get past it, over it. Maybe living is worth it after all. But we almost never realize it. We study because we've always studied. We go to meetings because we've always gone to meetings. But somewhere, somewhere deep inside, there's a hope for a future, a hope for the better. When all hope seems gone, it's still there. It's within our psyche.

It hides itself because maybe, just maybe...we would snuff it out if we actually knew it was there. But what if we let it surface? What if we let hope in? Would we be okay? Would we truly know life?

I think yes. If we actually know hope, then we have a reason to stay alive. We have something to grasp onto. Whether it's something big or something small. A promotion, a good grade, that one dessert that just makes your tastebuds sparkle. (Yes, sparkle.) What used to get you out of bed in the morning? What made you happy or brought you energy?

I am a firm believer in looking to the past to find the future. What made you happy before can make you happy again. I know that that sounds like a hollow promise, but it truly isn't. Every mountain range has valleys. The pain does end. And you are learning SO much about yourself right now. The pain you're feeling is indeed a part of you, but it does NOT define you. You are also brave and loving and strong and wanted and giving and peaceful and cherished. You have everything you need within. We all do. All these things are why hope exists, even when we believe it is gone entirely.

Traveling Through Infertility...alone and lonely

 When we got married, my husband and I agreed to start a family about 2.5 years down the road. As that time approached, it was apparent that our lives weren't ready for parenthood. I was not even halfway through grad school and working almost full-time. He had just started a new job, which would have him working 40+ and commuting an hour each way. And we had moved halfway across the country less than a year earlier. So when my Nexplanon implant came out, I got an IUD (10/10 would NOT do again!). We made a new agreement: we'll start trying during my last year of grad school. 

Fast forward a year and a half, now a couple months past our 4th anniversary. My Godsend OB-GYN gave me two words of advice: start taking a prenatal and "have fun." So I did. At first. Then I started to wonder why it wasn't happening. Then I started to worry and fear. I went to see her for something seemingly separate a few months later. She was proactive. I didn't have to bring up my desire to conceive or my concern that it wasn't happening because she did. She ordered bloodwork, and later other tests.

Mind you, I knew I had PCOS. I had never been given a formal diagnosis, but I knew. I'd had many ovarian cysts - large ones. I had gotten blood tests showing elevated testosterone. Being on birth control all those years didn't help. The pain was always there, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. In this round of tests, she finally gave me a formal diagnosis.

These were just the beginning days of this painful struggle. I would soon come to know insurmountable grief, a type of pain I never believed would be mine. I had been through so much in my life already. How could another trauma come my way?!? I've cried countless tears, yelled at God, even questioned his plan for my life, tried to believe this isn't really what my life is, and felt utterly hopeless. I've also accepted this as my current season and circled back around through the other stages more than once.

I can go days or sometimes weeks (maybe?) without crying about it, without dwelling on it. But when those days come where I break down, tears are relentless. I die inside. A little part of me breaks off. 

Let's see if I can illustrate this for you. Imagine loving someone so much it hurts. You would do anything to make them happy, to keep them safe, to give them everything they have ever wanted. You want to show up for them in any and every way they need. You picture hugging them, teaching them about the world. You can almost hear their little voice singing "Jesus loves me, this I know..." and you're so proud that they are falling in love with their Creator. You begin to feel yourself smile, falling more and more in love with everything about them. But then you remember that this little human doesn't exist. The most perfect little human you could have possibly imagined doesn't exist. And you begin to feel your countenance fall, as you brow furrows, and your lips press tight against each other. And then the tears pour out. There's no stopping them. They torrent down your face, spilling onto your shirt. You are losing all hope at being able to ever meet this person your heart loves, and you wonder, "How could I miss some this much, if we've never even met?"

I've had many days like that. Those are the loneliest of days. Those are the days I just want to crawl into a ball and evaporate, feeling as though I have no sense of who I am meant to be. Those are the days when I am in the furthest, darkest corner of the pit of despair. The days when all hope seems lost and I don't even know how to seek God. The days where I think everything I ever thought I knew is rubbish. The days I just can't function. These are the days when there are only one set of footprints in the sand because I can't walk. I usually can't see it when I'm in the midst of it, but He's there. He picks me up when I fall or when I throw myself down in a tantrum. He knows my heart and He knows my needs. He knows me better than I know me. 

A part of me thinks I should have known this would be my fate. Things always seem to go wrong for me after all. But that's when I'm catastrophizing. I have to remind myself all the time that I serve a faithful God who never ever gives up on me, even when I give up on Him. That something I find myself doing a lot these days. Just a few days ago, I found myself saying to myself, "Oh well. I guess I'm just not meant to be a mom. This is me giving up trying." And I meant this. I was just done. 

The problem is that that attitude wasn't surrender. I wasn't giving things up to God. I was telling God to just not bother. It was definitely one of my lower points. Now, I'm not going to tell you I'm good at this point. I'm certainly not. I struggle to want to read the Bible and find His truth. I struggle to believe that He is there for me or that He will heal my body or that He wants to give me good gifts or the desires of my heart. I get angry and find myself resenting Him for not giving me exactly what I want, exactly when I want it.

Today, I'm feeling optimistic. Today, my faith feels strong. But I don't know what tomorrow looks like. I may feel much the same or I may find myself out of hope.

Look these up. See if they bring you the hope you need. They won't cure you, but they can help. Knowing the truth brings light to our darkest places. 

Hebrew 6:9-12 9 Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are convinced of better things in your case—the things that have to do with salvation. 10 God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11 We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. 12 We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

1 John 1:5 This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.

Exodus 34:6 The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh![b] The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.

Hebrews 13:8  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Psalm 145:17 The Lord is righteous in all His ways, Gracious in all His works.

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. 

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds 

Psalm 37:3-11 (particularly verse 4) Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
6 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;
Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
Do not fret—it only causes harm.

9 For evildoers shall be [b]cut off;
But those who wait on the Lord,
They shall inherit the earth.
10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more.
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth,
And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

Psalm 39:7 “And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You.

Psalm 71:5 For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth.