Life as a Prisoner of Judgment

I'm sure most people would think that I am one of the most confident people they know; I mean, that's how I act a lot of the time. But I'll let you in on a secret: it's not entirely true. In fact, it's not really true at all. I actually care a great deal about what others think. And what's more, I don't trust people. I fear that most people will betray me or at the very least, simply stop caring about me at one point or another.

The biggest part of my secret? Even as a born again Christian, I can hardly walk into a church or really any church function without feeling like I am being judged by half the people there. I, like some friends of mine, have been scarred by the church many of us grew up in and others went to during their high school/college years. It has been almost 2 years since I have left that place, and since have only let one other person in, the man who is my boyfriend. Over the past several months he has been encouraging me to open up to others, and to start hanging out with girls more, and opening up to them. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do so.

DISCLAIMER: NOT all churches are like this. I am only speaking of my experience in one place. I have gathered with other members of the body of Christ where these things are not the norm.

Now I don't blame the church entirely for this; I know that as someone who is naturally more on the judgmental side of things (as most of the female population) I am more inclined to feeling judged. But it also cannot be denied that much of my experience in the church has taught me to be afraid of other Christians. I was told that I had to act a certain way if I wanted to be in ministry, so I did what I was told. I saw my friends pulled out of ministry because leadership in our church found out about their immorality. Now am I excusing immorality of church leaders? No. I am simply saying that no one is perfect, and if imperfection is cause for being removed from ministry, then no one belongs in ministry.

And I've never seen rumors spread like they did through this group of people. My brother changes my Facebook relationship status to "it's complicated", and suddenly half the congregation thought me and one specific guy are dating. I posted a status when I was having a bad day, and next thing you know, the head pastor decided he need to meet with me and a couple other people. Someone else, a leader in the church, who knew more about the situation stood in and explained to the pastor that it was all a big misunderstanding. Besides, it really wasn't any of his business to begin with.

And when a group of 4 or 5 girls had plans to spend the night at a church member's house-all with parental permission-such things were banned. We were suddenly not allowed to go to other people's houses without it being a church sanctioned event with official youth leadership in attendance. But why? There was nothing immoral or wrong happening. Once again, it was none of the pastor's business.

And the thing that may have scarred me the most...My personal boundaries being disregarded and invaded. There were certain things I wasn't comfortable talking about, but one youth leader pushed and pushed and simply wouldn't accept that I didn't want to talk about personal things with them. And eventually, they started telling me off...told me that I was a bad Christian, which made them stumble, said that I treated them like a piece of $#!? (and yes, they did actually say that word), told me that I hated them, and when they told me to say something, to tell them why I seemed to hate them so much, all I said was that I didn't like "this," referring to being spoken to this way, which had happened on multiple occasions in the past, they yelled at me for calling them weak, sarcastically apologized for their weakness and told me that God still uses weak people, then they just walked away. Then my two friends who had just watched the whole thing go down came over to me and went outside with me, then, for the first and ONLY time, I cried at church, full on bawling.

All that said, I refuse to let this push me away from Christ. Though no Christian is perfect, the God we worship is, and though people may hurt me, I know that my God never will.

And after finally seeing Disney's Frozen tonight, I have been inspired to confront my demons. I have forgiven much of what I went through in that community, but I haven't "let it go."

Tonight though, I am letting it all go. I am admitting that I have been hurt. I am going to allow myself to trust others again, to open myself up to people once more. To anyone who may have been offended by my hesitance to share anything about myself, I am sorry for shutting down. It may be baby steps from here, but I am determined not to shut people out anymore. I am ready to be healed through God's power and grace. I am ready to love better, and to let myself be loved by more people. Like Elsa, I have had a storm swirling inside of me. But now, also like Elsa, I am tearing down my walls. I have shut almost everyone out of my heart, locked myself away in my very own kingdom of isolation. "The fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all." I will choose love, I will choose to feel, and I will choose to once again truly live in community, not simply to be in a community.

Proverbs 10:12b "Love covers all sins."
2 Tim 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."